david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
