I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
