She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So vagazzling was a success
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize