Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
