I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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