Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
