i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
