good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
