no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
