My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
