She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
