Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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