Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
