She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
