I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
