Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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