I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
