I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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