Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
