Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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