I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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