I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
