Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
