youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
