sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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