I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize