dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
