He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize