gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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