it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
