He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
