wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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