the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
