Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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