You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
