Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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