i can't believe i had my finger in that
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
