Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
