Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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