The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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