So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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