I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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