no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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