Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
