Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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