she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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