why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
