My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
