dude i'm inner monologue high
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
