So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I love you.
Bad choice
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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