Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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