my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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