If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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