YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
