Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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