My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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