At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
