why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
