So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
