This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he was CRYING into my vagina
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
